Why I am doing this...

Because this time, 4 years ago, I couldn't even hide those other chins. Now, at least I can...but I look better. I feel better. And let this be a reminder to myself, as I type this, that YES I can do it , and YES it will be even better than I ever imagined.

The April 2006 photo shows a sad, miserable, lonely and lost person. I was going through what I thought was one of the worst times of my life. I had no idea that this would be just the beginning....

April 2006
 

This girl, April 2010, can do anything. She's been through hell and back and now it's her time to shine....

Photo by Isabel Ginsberg Photography

Guess Who Lost 5 lbs? ME!

I am SO excited!

Last week, I maintained my workouts, alone, on the big, scary main gym floor. I stuck to my guns and I did what I set out to do. Then, as the weekend approached, I weighed myself.

Now, a few weeks ago, our scale let us know that it needed new batteries. Having lost only 5 lbs in 2 months after this "new way of life," I ignored it and just decided that I would simply not weigh in until May 1.

But, my hubby and I were talking about it and he thought that he had noticed something different. I swore to him that "No, I am still at 221." He said that wasn’t possible. We made an adult-themed wager to prove who was right, and walked into the garage where the scale is.

Then, a wave of panic hit me. What if I gained? OMG, I will totally die right now BUT I’d win bet....so, I got on the scale and sucked in my belly….because that totally matters.

I looked at the scale, and there it was, like a toddler looking up at me, asking for a hug—216! Goodbye 224!!

OMG! YAY!

HOLLA! GO ME!

I Lost the bet, but kinda won anyways, right?

So, I guess my trainer is right. More weights. Less Cardio. Less Calories. I am SO looking forward to being in ONEderland…that's where the rest of the people who weigh under 200 lbs reside. I don’t want to look like a supermodel, I want to lose one..(get it? I want to lose 80 lbs)....Actually, I just want to walk into Old Navy or Gap and buy a pair of jeans, oh, and rock a bathing suit in December!

By the way, adult-themed wagers are a nice reward, expecially when you're feeling thinner…is this TMI?

Avoiding the Void

 
So, I met with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer last Wednesday. You can read all about it here. She left me, once again, with a list of lonely exercises that I must do on my own, on that big, scary gym floor. Thursday, I didn’t go. Friday, my friends were in town, I didn’t go. And Saturday, I woke up in a bad mood. Like, a really bad mood. I was pissed at the world. I made my coffee, I tried to avoid my family, and I just wanted to curl in a ball and cry…oh, and eat.

After my coffee, it was about 9:30 am and I had already eaten breakfast, so I wasn’t really hungry….but I found myself wandering into the kitchen. I was looking for nothing and anything—sweet. But, I didn’t find it…instead, I did something I never thought I would ever do...I went into my room, put on my gym clothes and I headed out to the gym.

I didn’t really “want” to go. I wanted frosting. I wanted a Twix bar, or pancakes. I wanted to be emotional. I wanted to cry. I was spiraling for no reason other than a little PMS.

I got to the gym and hopped on the elliptical machine. I set the course for 30 minutes, thinking I would get in a mile and a half…..but anger is a weird thing. I pushed myself to hit almost 3 miles. That’s a mile every 10 minutes. I was BLOWN AWAY, I was sweating, and I was smiling. It gave me the boost I needed in order to do the exercises that my trainer had given me earlier….alone…on the big, scary gym floor—where I didn’t even have a chance to feel insecure. That was a great feeling. My momentum distracted me to the point where I didn’t even notice the 10 lb weight on the back of the crunch machine.

My workout was hard. It was tough. I was a sweaty mess and I was overwhelmed with emotions. I finished my workout and went to my car. I looked at myself in the mirror and teared up. I did it. And it’s not just the workout that I did. I found a way to fill that void. That void that usually goes away, temporarily, after I eat. I can fill that “feeling” with exercise. Like WHOA. Talk about an AHA moment…….

I am super-duper stoked. And as I shared my story with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, she smiled and said “that’s great, now we can put an extra 10 lbs on the crunch machine! Cool.”

Did I mention she is perfect for me?

Being Funny Is No Excuse

I am proud to say that YES, I did workout, alone, on the main floor of the gym last week, and it felt GOOD. No, it felt GREAT! I broke a sweat, saw one person smile at me, encouraging or envious, I am not sure, but they saw that I was literally working my ass off. I didn’t get my special treat of the muscle man in tights, but I did it and it was fun. I was totally looking forward to the next time because, you know, I had to do it twice without my trainer. Twice. But I didn’t.

And yesterday, I had to face my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer and tell her that “YAY I DID IT ONCE…but there was a reason I couldn’t make it the rest of the week and weekend..just wait till you hear this! I had two comedy shows, family in town, a tired Monday and before I knew it—it was too late for me to get in another workout…so SURRY!”

I could see it in her eyes. It was no excuse. She looked me over and said nothing. I hate silence, so instead of accepting the “we both know I could have found time” stillness, I dug myself into the hole of all holes…

“……Look! I’ve been busy with Comedy-yay-comedy, my passion, my dream. You see, when I met you, I had just become part of The Real Housewives of Rio Linda (RHRL) and we got a few big shows, a write up in the Sac News and Review, an interview on Good Day Sacramento, and then two sold out shows…."

“I don’t have a T.V.”

WHHAAAAT—No TV???

"....Well, then, News10 did an interview with us and it gained a lot of attention because Rush Limbaugh picked it up and told the story on his show….then News10 told everyone about us on the RUSH show—I mean, he even put us on his homepage!”

“Who is Rush Limbaugh?”

DOH!

“Uhm, well, he is a crazy political guy who has a national radio show—we went National for a day…omg! THEN, we sold out a show in Modesto and then we came home and had a great show at Laughs Unlimited—I made $14---did you hear that? $14 Biyatch! THEEEEN—I GOT TO OPEN FOR GALLAGHER—I mean, he was like, totally famous in the 80s and 90s.”

“Who is Gallagher?”

GRRR......

“…..THEN, We were put on the front page of FunnyorDie.com where we have had over 200 hits—all ”FUNNY” in one day!

“What is Funny or Die?” 

*Sigh*

"I got hired to perform at the Susan G Komen race and I have an interview on KCRA tomorrow, but you prolly won’t see it….humffff. “

“Oh, I am walking in that race!”

UHG! Of course you are.

"So all of these reasons are why I haven’t worked out or taken my monthly picture."

“Didn’t you tell me you have a gym at work?”

OUCH. Busted. Moted. Face. Burn.

Final Score:
German-as-a-first-language personal trainer: 1 
Comedienne: 0

We worked out for the first time since last Thursday. It was a tough one. A ½ hour on the elliptical and then ½ hour of intense weight lifting. And today I am SORE. And I have to workout 2 more times, by myself, on the big, scary main floor, before I see her next Monday.

So, while my comedy life soars and I enjoy the wave I am riding, I have fallen off the track and my trainer could care less because she isn’t Amercian, she doesn’t care about fame, I can't charm or WOW her, she doesn't care about that stuff....she wants to get me in shape and I pay her for that. All of these reasons and more make her perfect for me.

The moral of yesterday’s story is that even if I am performing comedy every single night—I have a gym at work, including a walking course, and five flights of stairs. I have no excuses.

Penny for My Thoughts

The last two days’ workouts have made my body go “SAY Whhhhhat?” and I like that. It’s a nice distraction from the seemingly racing thoughts that dance inside my head like a bad play.

I’m trying to wrap my brain around a lot of things this week. Both good news and bad news. Some issues I am celebrating—like the modification of our loan with B of A and the amazing shows I am performing with The Real (funny) Housewives of Rio Linda! Some things I am trying to resolve—like the constant issues we continue to face with Workers Compensation—a two year battle that we just can’t seem to win. Some thoughts are just a simple realization of how much our lives have really changed in the past 5 years. Other things are deeper (that's what she said) and I don't know why they enter my head at all.

I guess working out so hard and embracing this new way of life has drummed up some deep-rooted feelings? I am a scatter-brain. Has this happened to any of you? I would like to know.

Lucky for me, on Monday, I didn’t have time for thinking. Instead of the hour-long expensive sessions with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, M., this week I began half-hour sessions. Now, normally M is adorable and fun and lets me rest during our one-hour long sessions. However, when we need to fit in 6-10 intense strength training exercises in 30 minutes, it’s like a whole new person shows up. She becomes a workout Nazi Czar.

There is no room for error.
There is no rest for the weak.
There is no goofing around - boooo!
There is a LOT of sweat -YAY!

My new routine ensures that although I get to continue my beloved Hip-Hop class, which just about broke my kneecaps this week, I am required to duplicate these strength exercises two additional times per week, on my own.

This poses a problem. I am a big girl. I am not only big, but I am super-emotional with all of these thoughts racing through my head. So I am a fat, emotional girl working out and working through it on the main gym floor. The main floor is already scary and intimidating enough. Being surrounded by hot, young twenty-somethings wearing next-to-nothing makes me a tad bit insecure. Sure, I want to look like that …but the mirrors—oh the mirrors—quickly remind me that I am SO FAR away from my goal and I start to get anxious. These insecurities create a breeding ground for my self loathing.

Working alongside of a trainer gives me an “out.” It’s an advertisement to the spandex-clad crew that although I may be big, I am with a trainer, sooooo...free pass for me! But tonight, I must work that floor alone. And I am nervous. But once again, this weekly, delicate, vulnerable posts to all of you, will help me persevere…so I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

On the light side, I do find humor to be a great coping mechanism in these times of need. Last night, something make me happy, and I will look forward to it like a small slice of white chocolate cake with white frosting. As we were getting prepared to leave the gym, I looked over to the big, scary main floor and saw a very big muscle man wearing a short t-shirt and skin-tight, light grey leggings. They were basically see-through. These were not your typical skinny man-pants. He literally looked like he must have ran out of laundry and as he was searching for shorts perhaps, he yelled out to his lady “honey, do you have any leggings I can wear?” The three of us noticed him at the same time, and could barely contain our laughter. (This is another reason I love the gym….and why I leave my phone/camera at home. I would be SO temped to just take pictures every day).

So, wish me luck tonight. I’ll be the fat girl, sweating for a reason, eager to be healthy and in a bathing suit by November, struggling to rectify the things that pop into my head and trying to just focus while laughing at your silly spandex.

Worth the Weight...

This week was a lot better than last. But still pretty rough. Remember when I was all excited that I lost a total of 9 inches?  Well, after my appointment with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, that my friends, is not the case. I hesitate to post my numbers yet as I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I have let myself go. I am also embarrassed that after 8 weeks at the gym, I have only lost a total of 5 lbs.

If it weren't for Maui, I think this would be the week I give up completely. During my last workout with my trainer, I almost cried when she took my measurements, BMI and weight. She noticed that I was upset and then proceeded to explain (in fat-girl terms) what I am doing wrong.

1. Too much cardio, not enough weights.
2. Not counting and journaling my calories...and probably not staying within my range.

After researching her words of wisdom because I simply do not trust anyone...I found out that she is right. There is a GREAT article about this here.

So, I signed up for another 6 weeks. These are intense sessions as we move from one hour weights to 1/2 hour cardio and 1/2 hour weight training. I will also be adding two additional days of weight training to my regiment. And after that, I will sign up for my first Body Fit Challenge.

I am nervous, anxious, unmotivated and scared. There. I said it. I am overwhelmed with emotions and angry that my journey isn't happening as fast as I wanted it to. However, I am sticking to it and I will continue because once again, this blog makes me honest.

Oh, and thanks to a dear friend, Erika, who wrote about crying during a recent run—I don't feel alone. Thank you and I love you girl. Watching you drop the weight and seeing you transform has been a huge inspiration to me and I am so proud of you. I look forward to the day we can run a 5k together. It will be worth the weight.