I’m trying to wrap my brain around a lot of things this week. Both good news and bad news. Some issues I am celebrating—like the modification of our loan with B of A and the amazing shows I am performing with The Real (funny) Housewives of Rio Linda! Some things I am trying to resolve—like the constant issues we continue to face with Workers Compensation—a two year battle that we just can’t seem to win. Some thoughts are just a simple realization of how much our lives have really changed in the past 5 years. Other things are deeper (that's what she said) and I don't know why they enter my head at all.
I guess working out so hard and embracing this new way of life has drummed up some deep-rooted feelings? I am a scatter-brain. Has this happened to any of you? I would like to know.
Lucky for me, on Monday, I didn’t have time for thinking. Instead of the hour-long expensive sessions with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, M., this week I began half-hour sessions. Now, normally M is adorable and fun and lets me rest during our one-hour long sessions. However, when we need to fit in 6-10 intense strength training exercises in 30 minutes, it’s like a whole new person shows up. She becomes a workout
There is no room for error.
There is no rest for the weak.
There is no goofing around - boooo!
There is a LOT of sweat -YAY!
My new routine ensures that although I get to continue my beloved Hip-Hop class, which just about broke my kneecaps this week, I am required to duplicate these strength exercises two additional times per week, on my own.
This poses a problem. I am a big girl. I am not only big, but I am super-emotional with all of these thoughts racing through my head. So I am a fat, emotional girl working out and working through it on the main gym floor. The main floor is already scary and intimidating enough. Being surrounded by hot, young twenty-somethings wearing next-to-nothing makes me a tad bit insecure. Sure, I want to look like that …but the mirrors—oh the mirrors—quickly remind me that I am SO FAR away from my goal and I start to get anxious. These insecurities create a breeding ground for my self loathing.
Working alongside of a trainer gives me an “out.” It’s an advertisement to the spandex-clad crew that although I may be big, I am with a trainer, sooooo...free pass for me! But tonight, I must work that floor alone. And I am nervous. But once again, this weekly, delicate, vulnerable posts to all of you, will help me persevere…so I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
On the light side, I do find humor to be a great coping mechanism in these times of need. Last night, something make me happy, and I will look forward to it like a small slice of white chocolate cake with white frosting. As we were getting prepared to leave the gym, I looked over to the big, scary main floor and saw a very big muscle man wearing a short t-shirt and skin-tight, light grey leggings. They were basically see-through. These were not your typical skinny man-pants. He literally looked like he must have ran out of laundry and as he was searching for shorts perhaps, he yelled out to his lady “honey, do you have any leggings I can wear?” The three of us noticed him at the same time, and could barely contain our laughter. (This is another reason I love the gym….and why I leave my phone/camera at home. I would be SO temped to just take pictures every day).
So, wish me luck tonight. I’ll be the fat girl, sweating for a reason, eager to be healthy and in a bathing suit by November, struggling to rectify the things that pop into my head and trying to just focus while laughing at your silly spandex.
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