I weighed in on Wednesday. I lost 1.2 lbs. YAY! But, it’s not what I was looking for. BOO!
I am waiting for that “HOLY CRAP” week where 8 lbs is gone. I know my April goal may be unrealistic. But, I am determined to hang in there. But, I am struggling, emotionally.
Normally, I am hyper, happy and optimistic about the future. I try to carry myself in the light and vibrations of the positive energy that I want to be surrounded with. This week, I feel like I hit a wall.
I didn’t anticipate this journey to be SO HARD, like right away. Maybe this is exactly why my doctor told me to start seeing my therapist as I start this new way of life.
During my second workout with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, I was teary-eyed as I recounted my last 5 weeks of that thing they call “Gym Life.” I wasn’t a blubbering mess, like those people on The Biggest Loser—but at one point, I SO could have gone there.
Working out and doing something good for my life, health and heart makes me feel a little bit guilty. Why? I have no idea. Am I falling prey to the monumental meltdowns that we see on America’s favorite show? Maybe I am.
I think that I should start a gratitude journal or donate to charity because working out has brought up some pretty deep shit that I have suppressed or just plain ignored. My mind knows that no one had a perfect life. No one made all the right choices. No one reacted perfectly to things. So, basically I am no one…which is just like everyone, right?
When I think about all the mistakes of my life, I immediately start thinking about cake and frosting and any other sweet carbs. The problem is, I am my worst enemy and I tend to obsess on these thoughts when the mood hits. Notice how I began this paragraph with a negative thought? That is a problem.
So, for the next few weeks, I am going to change the way I think. I need to think of all the GOOD things and decisions I have made in my life, and there is no better time to start than right now.
1. I made a good decision to marry best friend. We are not the same people we were 5 or 10 years ago, and yet, we have reached love on a level that has no words. Our union is sacred. I have never been happier.
2. Our daughter is amazing in ways that I never was at her age. She loves life. She says what she feels. She is confident, polite, thoughtful and gracious. She is an amazing young lady and I am in awe of her light.
3. I always wanted to perform comedy and write for a living. And now, I am doing just that. When you do something you truly love, you become your true self. This is me, being present in my own life, for once. I love it.
4. I am blessed with a great support system. I have the BEST friends and family that anyone could ever ask for. They are talented, creative, forgiving, loving and true.
So thank you for sharing my burden. I am so lucky and grateful to all of you who have emailed me, commented and listened to me try to figure out why I am hiding in this big-girl shell. There’s a pearl in here somewhere….I believe that. Hopefully I’ll find it soon and then we can all celebrate with pearl necklaces….DOH!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A Bloody Mess
ZOMG….ok, so this may not be suitable for male audience members. It might be funny, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Question: What do you healthy gals do when Aunt Flow makes her way into town and reeks havoc with your guts in a way that makes you want to vomit split pea soup, cry and inhale fried food?
Do you:
A) Go to the gym, there is no excuse.
B) Go to the gym. Walk around. Splash some water on your face and breathe hard in order to look like you worked out.
C) Stay at home, curled up with a blanket…watching Oprah…oh, and cut your finger with a knife because I’m 5 and apparently I don’t know how to use one yet…
I did C. In a big way. In fact, my thumb should probably have stitches in it, but this is the year that I am NOT going to the doctor…remember? Plus, I can just imagine how the conversation would go with my doctor:
Doc: So, how did this happen?
Me: I was cutting grapes off the vine..with a steak knife.
Doc: You know that grapes a can just be pulled off the vine, right?
Me: Yeah, but I thought this would be faster.
Doc: So, the knife was pointed sharp-end up?
Me: Yup.
Doc: Do you know how to use a knife?
Me: Look Doc, fix it, ok. My mom raised me right, but I am a fucking airhead and I felt like shit because I have a vice grip in my uterus and I can’t make it go away, and so, in a desperate attempt to NOT consume all the hamburgers, cheeses, chocolate, cakes and candy bars in the greater Sacramento Area—and because I felt guilty for NOT going to the gym—I tried to cut off a vine of grapes in hopes that by eating it, my cravings would stop, all the while saving the bad food for the general public. K?
Doc: Well it's been too many hours now. I can’t fix it, here's a butterfly band-aid and a sticker. That will be $40.
Me: FUUUUCKCKKKK.
So now, I am at work. Typing without the use of my left thumb and still feeling guilty for not going to the gym last night…then again, I still have a vice grip in my uterus and don’t think that would be a good idea after all. By the way--have you ever tried to uhm...take care of your monthly womanhood without the use of thumbs? Highly difficult. I don't recommend it.
I am going to Hip-Hop tonight. And I will still weigh in and post tonight as well. Here is a recent picture—and a shameless plug for my comedy show this Saturday Night only at "The Comedy Spot" in Sacramento, at 8pm. this is a picture I actually like...a semi-full body shot that shows my now-baggy red t-shirt.... :)
This blog thing is like a personal trainer that was hired for me as a gift, prepaid and always checking in. But, it’s working. And, that is the main point, right?
Question: What do you healthy gals do when Aunt Flow makes her way into town and reeks havoc with your guts in a way that makes you want to vomit split pea soup, cry and inhale fried food?
Do you:
A) Go to the gym, there is no excuse.
B) Go to the gym. Walk around. Splash some water on your face and breathe hard in order to look like you worked out.
C) Stay at home, curled up with a blanket…watching Oprah…oh, and cut your finger with a knife because I’m 5 and apparently I don’t know how to use one yet…
I did C. In a big way. In fact, my thumb should probably have stitches in it, but this is the year that I am NOT going to the doctor…remember? Plus, I can just imagine how the conversation would go with my doctor:
Doc: So, how did this happen?
Me: I was cutting grapes off the vine..with a steak knife.
Doc: You know that grapes a can just be pulled off the vine, right?
Me: Yeah, but I thought this would be faster.
Doc: So, the knife was pointed sharp-end up?
Me: Yup.
Doc: Do you know how to use a knife?
Me: Look Doc, fix it, ok. My mom raised me right, but I am a fucking airhead and I felt like shit because I have a vice grip in my uterus and I can’t make it go away, and so, in a desperate attempt to NOT consume all the hamburgers, cheeses, chocolate, cakes and candy bars in the greater Sacramento Area—and because I felt guilty for NOT going to the gym—I tried to cut off a vine of grapes in hopes that by eating it, my cravings would stop, all the while saving the bad food for the general public. K?
Doc: Well it's been too many hours now. I can’t fix it, here's a butterfly band-aid and a sticker. That will be $40.
Me: FUUUUCKCKKKK.
So now, I am at work. Typing without the use of my left thumb and still feeling guilty for not going to the gym last night…then again, I still have a vice grip in my uterus and don’t think that would be a good idea after all. By the way--have you ever tried to uhm...take care of your monthly womanhood without the use of thumbs? Highly difficult. I don't recommend it.
I am going to Hip-Hop tonight. And I will still weigh in and post tonight as well. Here is a recent picture—and a shameless plug for my comedy show this Saturday Night only at "The Comedy Spot" in Sacramento, at 8pm. this is a picture I actually like...a semi-full body shot that shows my now-baggy red t-shirt.... :)
This blog thing is like a personal trainer that was hired for me as a gift, prepaid and always checking in. But, it’s working. And, that is the main point, right?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Is that a muscle?
While driving home last night, I rolled the window down, rested my head in my hand. In the mirror, I caught a glimpse of my arm...but saw something different. Could it be a little bit of definition?
I flexed my arm to reveal a little muscle...omg! I have a little bit of muscle in my arms!! YAY ME!
This SO makes up for not losing ANY weight in the past two weeks. As a matter of fact, according to my scale, I gained 3 lbs over the weekend. As I weighed in last night, those faux pounds are gone and I am still at 224.2. But I am beginning to believe that phrase "muscle weighs more than fat."
I am still eating about 1200-1400 calories a day. I have my days where I have eaten more, and I have paid for it. My mini bat-wings are shrinking. My legs are so sore, I feel like they will snap if I walk too fast. But, I am pushing forward...no matter what. I see the changes happening and I am motivated to see more!
I flexed my arm to reveal a little muscle...omg! I have a little bit of muscle in my arms!! YAY ME!
This SO makes up for not losing ANY weight in the past two weeks. As a matter of fact, according to my scale, I gained 3 lbs over the weekend. As I weighed in last night, those faux pounds are gone and I am still at 224.2. But I am beginning to believe that phrase "muscle weighs more than fat."
I am still eating about 1200-1400 calories a day. I have my days where I have eaten more, and I have paid for it. My mini bat-wings are shrinking. My legs are so sore, I feel like they will snap if I walk too fast. But, I am pushing forward...no matter what. I see the changes happening and I am motivated to see more!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Week 4: The Voices Within
I inadvertently entered Week 4 with a hangover from a long, wonderful Valentine’s evening with my amazing husband. I had forgotten that I had scheduled my first personal training appointment for the day after Valentine’s Day. We don’t typically celebrate this Hallmark holiday with such vigor, however, my sister requested to have a sleepover with our daughter and we took the opportunity to party like it was 1998…(I was pregnant for the majority of 1999).
Now, a level-headed person would have taken it easy for the day, perhaps taken a nap. But not me, I ran out of time. My Becca was heading back to Afghanistan and her going away barbeque was set for three hours before my appointment. But it’s ME, I mean; I can totally handle this…except for the little issue of all my favorite foods being offered at the party.
I have absolutely no will power. I dined on bad-for-me food for two hours. And that’s not the worst part…my brain had the most awful dialogue going on:
Me: Grrrr. I have to workout.
Not me: No you don’t. You can totally call it a day and start tomorrow, clean slate. By the way, that cream cheese torte is amazing. Let’s get more.
Me: No. I need to do this. My blog is due tomorrow, and I have to weigh in this week.
Not me: No you don’t. Who cares? No one reads it anyways. Plus, when’s the last time you actually went through with something?
Me: Damn it! Shut up! I will do this and I will feel it and push through.
Not me: Yeah, right. What is this, week 4? Wow. So, like, are you going to quit in week 6 or 8? Oh, look, your favorite cookies with frosting on top.
Me: YUMMY!
Not me: See? That was delicious. You should stay here with me; I’ll comfort you with more of these…
Me: No. I’m going to work out….now.
Not me: Ok, well you don’t have to give it 100%.
……….and then I met with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer.I told her I was full of bad food and hung over and sad that my friend was leaving again, and she said “well, this workout will take your mind off all of those things, at least for an hour.”
She wasn’t kidding...so I gave it 110% (so suck it “Not me!”)
She. Worked. My. Ass. Off. Today, I can barely walk. But I did it.
And, I felt GREAT! I accomplished my first appointment. And even though I am tired, sad, and craving cake, candy, crackers—anything that will make me feel better-- I won’t give in. I will refrain. After all, I can’t miss my hip-hop class tonight.
Not Me: You don’t have to go. Look how sore you are! You can barely walk. Let’s get pizza……
Now, a level-headed person would have taken it easy for the day, perhaps taken a nap. But not me, I ran out of time. My Becca was heading back to Afghanistan and her going away barbeque was set for three hours before my appointment. But it’s ME, I mean; I can totally handle this…except for the little issue of all my favorite foods being offered at the party.
I have absolutely no will power. I dined on bad-for-me food for two hours. And that’s not the worst part…my brain had the most awful dialogue going on:
Me: Grrrr. I have to workout.
Not me: No you don’t. You can totally call it a day and start tomorrow, clean slate. By the way, that cream cheese torte is amazing. Let’s get more.
Me: No. I need to do this. My blog is due tomorrow, and I have to weigh in this week.
Not me: No you don’t. Who cares? No one reads it anyways. Plus, when’s the last time you actually went through with something?
Me: Damn it! Shut up! I will do this and I will feel it and push through.
Not me: Yeah, right. What is this, week 4? Wow. So, like, are you going to quit in week 6 or 8? Oh, look, your favorite cookies with frosting on top.
Me: YUMMY!
Not me: See? That was delicious. You should stay here with me; I’ll comfort you with more of these…
Me: No. I’m going to work out….now.
Not me: Ok, well you don’t have to give it 100%.
……….and then I met with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer.I told her I was full of bad food and hung over and sad that my friend was leaving again, and she said “well, this workout will take your mind off all of those things, at least for an hour.”
She wasn’t kidding...so I gave it 110% (so suck it “Not me!”)
She. Worked. My. Ass. Off. Today, I can barely walk. But I did it.
And, I felt GREAT! I accomplished my first appointment. And even though I am tired, sad, and craving cake, candy, crackers—anything that will make me feel better-- I won’t give in. I will refrain. After all, I can’t miss my hip-hop class tonight.
Not Me: You don’t have to go. Look how sore you are! You can barely walk. Let’s get pizza……
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"Holla" for High Cholesterol
This is just great.
So, I had a doctor’s appointment in order to get all "my numbers." You know those numbers that tell you if you're at risk for developing heart disease, cancer, diabetes, an extra head and/or spontaneously combusting? Well, I passed in all the areas except for my cholesterol, which is lower than I have ever had it since 2003 but high enough for the doctor to want to put me on meds.
Here are my numbers. Unlike my measurements, and ion honor of Hear Health Month, I will divulge these.
Cholesterol: 222 (should be under 200)
Triglycerides: 127 (should be under 150, so I am ok!)
HDL (GOOD): 51 (should be over 50, but above 60 is best)
LDL (BAD): 148 (Needs to be under 100. 100-129 is ok.)
I begged and pleaded. I was all "give me 3 months. I am SO totally working out, like 5 days a week and I love it." She said ok. Then she told me I had to stop eating Cheese….REALLY? Well, ok. I can do that since it’s bad for my tummy anyways. But I am going to be a brat about it.
So people, I have 3 months exactly to bring my numbers down.Glad I know, but I will miss you sweet cheese.....
So, I had a doctor’s appointment in order to get all "my numbers." You know those numbers that tell you if you're at risk for developing heart disease, cancer, diabetes, an extra head and/or spontaneously combusting? Well, I passed in all the areas except for my cholesterol, which is lower than I have ever had it since 2003 but high enough for the doctor to want to put me on meds.
Here are my numbers. Unlike my measurements, and ion honor of Hear Health Month, I will divulge these.
Cholesterol: 222 (should be under 200)
Triglycerides: 127 (should be under 150, so I am ok!)
HDL (GOOD): 51 (should be over 50, but above 60 is best)
LDL (BAD): 148 (Needs to be under 100. 100-129 is ok.)
I begged and pleaded. I was all "give me 3 months. I am SO totally working out, like 5 days a week and I love it." She said ok. Then she told me I had to stop eating Cheese….REALLY? Well, ok. I can do that since it’s bad for my tummy anyways. But I am going to be a brat about it.
So people, I have 3 months exactly to bring my numbers down.Glad I know, but I will miss you sweet cheese.....
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A 1.4 lb Gain :(
I knew this would happen. I know this will happen. After several attempts at Weight Watchers, I know this is ok. It's not a setback. It's just my body, and the way it works. And I am typing this because if I don't keep typing it, I may just scream.
I know this is ok.
I know this is ok.
I know this is ok.
I know this is ok.
There! Well, by looking back at the past 7 days, I realize that this is actually my fault. When I perform comedy, the shows are Wednesday-Sunday, all starting at 8pm. I have to leave my house no later than 7:15pm...On Friday and Saturday, there are two shows, which make me get home at about 1am. So, it was impossible for me to hit the gym during the week, but what's my excuse for not going on the weekend? Uhm...Superbowl? Yeah, I just didn't go, and this is what I got. So, there. I was lazy. And now I have a cold.
Last night, my already-ten-pound-lighter-husband lovingly encouraged me (in the Marine Corps, we sweat it out, don't be a sissy, let's go!) to go to the gym. I did. I hopped on the elliptical machine for a mile, and even though it took me 15 minutes, I do feel good today....so thanks, Leatherneck.
I also met with my trainer who took my measurements and BMI. It wasn't fun. I probably should tell you my numbers, but they are too big for this page, you may need a second monitor to see them...*sigh*.
Anyways, back to HIP HOP class tonight, H2O class tomorrow, Zumba on Thursday, H20 on Friday and Saturday. Let's see what I can do by Monday!
I know this is ok.
I know this is ok.
I know this is ok.
I know this is ok.
There! Well, by looking back at the past 7 days, I realize that this is actually my fault. When I perform comedy, the shows are Wednesday-Sunday, all starting at 8pm. I have to leave my house no later than 7:15pm...On Friday and Saturday, there are two shows, which make me get home at about 1am. So, it was impossible for me to hit the gym during the week, but what's my excuse for not going on the weekend? Uhm...Superbowl? Yeah, I just didn't go, and this is what I got. So, there. I was lazy. And now I have a cold.
Last night, my already-ten-pound-lighter-husband lovingly encouraged me (in the Marine Corps, we sweat it out, don't be a sissy, let's go!) to go to the gym. I did. I hopped on the elliptical machine for a mile, and even though it took me 15 minutes, I do feel good today....so thanks, Leatherneck.
I also met with my trainer who took my measurements and BMI. It wasn't fun. I probably should tell you my numbers, but they are too big for this page, you may need a second monitor to see them...*sigh*.
Anyways, back to HIP HOP class tonight, H2O class tomorrow, Zumba on Thursday, H20 on Friday and Saturday. Let's see what I can do by Monday!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A 2.7 lb loss!
I have been working my ass off. Did you hear that? I have literally worked out for the last 8 days for at least one hour per day. I have counted the calories that I put in my mouth and been careful to not exceed 1,200 (except for a girls night out and a potluck at work). And, although I am pretty happy that I have stuck to my new routine, I am hungry... seriously hungry. No one warns you about this. Perhaps the trainer that I paid $300 for will tell me...when she finally calls. Oh, Cal Fit-- great gym, nice staff--bad follow-up.
Anyways, I am happy to announce my first minor milestone. I weighed myself tonight and was excited to see a 2.7lb loss!! I also took a full-body picture, and at the risk of evoking a massive puke fest, I am still committed to posting it, but it will be on Thursday because my camera cord is at work and I'm off tomorrow so I can have a spa day with my Becca.
So, this working-out thing that you healthy people do may actually be working... time to set some small goals.
On September 29, we will celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary. Our big goal this year is to spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas in Maui. But, small goals are important too. So, today I will set a goal to be at 199 lbs by April 1…no, this is not an April Fools Joke. This will be a major achievement. I have not weighed less than 200 lbs since my daughter was a year old. In fact, I lost a lot of the baby weight after having her, only to gain all of it back…and then some.
What I have learned in the past week is that I like to move my body. I really like it. And my gym offers a lot of different classes. So far, my schedule is Monday-Zumba, Tuesday-Hip Hop, Wednesday-H20 Aerobics, Thursday-Zumba, Friday and Saturday-H20 Aerobics and Sunday, I walk. Moving to the music and trying out new moves makes me really miss dancing in the clubs. In my early twenties, I lived there. But now, as I feel my inner-Beyonce come out, I sometimes glance into the mirror and see my reality. And, it's not pretty.
So, am I determined or defeated? Well, that's an interesting question, so I am glad you asked. Although I am scared, I am more determined than I have ever been in my life. I know that this will not happen over night. I am inspired from within. Each day that I enter that gym and I see the healthy people walk around, I know that a year from now, I will be one of them. And, perhaps there will be a cute, short, fat girl walking around in an insecure daze. And, maybe she will be looking at me and maybe, I will approach her and say "stick with it girl, cuz I was in your shoes a year ago...by the way--like my tan? Thanks, I got it in MAUI."
Anyways, I am happy to announce my first minor milestone. I weighed myself tonight and was excited to see a 2.7lb loss!! I also took a full-body picture, and at the risk of evoking a massive puke fest, I am still committed to posting it, but it will be on Thursday because my camera cord is at work and I'm off tomorrow so I can have a spa day with my Becca.
So, this working-out thing that you healthy people do may actually be working... time to set some small goals.
On September 29, we will celebrate our 10-year wedding anniversary. Our big goal this year is to spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas in Maui. But, small goals are important too. So, today I will set a goal to be at 199 lbs by April 1…no, this is not an April Fools Joke. This will be a major achievement. I have not weighed less than 200 lbs since my daughter was a year old. In fact, I lost a lot of the baby weight after having her, only to gain all of it back…and then some.
What I have learned in the past week is that I like to move my body. I really like it. And my gym offers a lot of different classes. So far, my schedule is Monday-Zumba, Tuesday-Hip Hop, Wednesday-H20 Aerobics, Thursday-Zumba, Friday and Saturday-H20 Aerobics and Sunday, I walk. Moving to the music and trying out new moves makes me really miss dancing in the clubs. In my early twenties, I lived there. But now, as I feel my inner-Beyonce come out, I sometimes glance into the mirror and see my reality. And, it's not pretty.
So, am I determined or defeated? Well, that's an interesting question, so I am glad you asked. Although I am scared, I am more determined than I have ever been in my life. I know that this will not happen over night. I am inspired from within. Each day that I enter that gym and I see the healthy people walk around, I know that a year from now, I will be one of them. And, perhaps there will be a cute, short, fat girl walking around in an insecure daze. And, maybe she will be looking at me and maybe, I will approach her and say "stick with it girl, cuz I was in your shoes a year ago...by the way--like my tan? Thanks, I got it in MAUI."
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