Question: What do you healthy gals do when Aunt Flow makes her way into town and reeks havoc with your guts in a way that makes you want to vomit split pea soup, cry and inhale fried food?
Do you:
A) Go to the gym, there is no excuse.
B) Go to the gym. Walk around. Splash some water on your face and breathe hard in order to look like you worked out.
C) Stay at home, curled up with a blanket…watching Oprah…oh, and cut your finger with a knife because I’m 5 and apparently I don’t know how to use one yet…
I did C. In a big way. In fact, my thumb should probably have stitches in it, but this is the year that I am NOT going to the doctor…remember? Plus, I can just imagine how the conversation would go with my doctor:
Doc: So, how did this happen?
Me: I was cutting grapes off the vine..with a steak knife.
Doc: You know that grapes a can just be pulled off the vine, right?
Me: Yeah, but I thought this would be faster.
Doc: So, the knife was pointed sharp-end up?
Me: Yup.
Doc: Do you know how to use a knife?
Me: Look Doc, fix it, ok. My mom raised me right, but I am a fucking airhead and I felt like shit because I have a vice grip in my uterus and I can’t make it go away, and so, in a desperate attempt to NOT consume all the hamburgers, cheeses, chocolate, cakes and candy bars in the greater Sacramento Area—and because I felt guilty for NOT going to the gym—I tried to cut off a vine of grapes in hopes that by eating it, my cravings would stop, all the while saving the bad food for the general public. K?
Doc: Well it's been too many hours now. I can’t fix it, here's a butterfly band-aid and a sticker. That will be $40.
Me: FUUUUCKCKKKK.
So now, I am at work. Typing without the use of my left thumb and still feeling guilty for not going to the gym last night…then again, I still have a vice grip in my uterus and don’t think that would be a good idea after all. By the way--have you ever tried to uhm...take care of your monthly womanhood without the use of thumbs? Highly difficult. I don't recommend it.
I am going to Hip-Hop tonight. And I will still weigh in and post tonight as well. Here is a recent picture—and a shameless plug for my comedy show this Saturday Night only at "The Comedy Spot" in Sacramento, at 8pm. this is a picture I actually like...a semi-full body shot that shows my now-baggy red t-shirt.... :)
This blog thing is like a personal trainer that was hired for me as a gift, prepaid and always checking in. But, it’s working. And, that is the main point, right?
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