Feeling Like A Big Loser

I weighed in on Wednesday. I lost 1.2 lbs. YAY! But, it’s not what I was looking for. BOO!

I am waiting for that “HOLY CRAP” week where 8 lbs is gone. I know my April goal may be unrealistic. But, I am determined to hang in there. But, I am struggling, emotionally.

Normally, I am hyper, happy and optimistic about the future. I try to carry myself in the light and vibrations of the positive energy that I want to be surrounded with. This week, I feel like I hit a wall.

I didn’t anticipate this journey to be SO HARD, like right away. Maybe this is exactly why my doctor told me to start seeing my therapist as I start this new way of life.

During my second workout with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, I was teary-eyed as I recounted my last 5 weeks of that thing they call “Gym Life.” I wasn’t a blubbering mess, like those people on The Biggest Loser—but at one point, I SO could have gone there.

Working out and doing something good for my life, health and heart makes me feel a little bit guilty. Why? I have no idea. Am I falling prey to the monumental meltdowns that we see on America’s favorite show? Maybe I am.

I think that I should start a gratitude journal or donate to charity because working out has brought up some pretty deep shit that I have suppressed or just plain ignored. My mind knows that no one had a perfect life. No one made all the right choices. No one reacted perfectly to things. So, basically I am no one…which is just like everyone, right?

When I think about all the mistakes of my life, I immediately start thinking about cake and frosting and any other sweet carbs. The problem is, I am my worst enemy and I tend to obsess on these thoughts when the mood hits. Notice how I began this paragraph with a negative thought? That is a problem.

So, for the next few weeks, I am going to change the way I think. I need to think of all the GOOD things and decisions I have made in my life, and there is no better time to start than right now.

1. I made a good decision to marry best friend. We are not the same people we were 5 or 10 years ago, and yet, we have reached love on a level that has no words. Our union is sacred. I have never been happier.

2. Our daughter is amazing in ways that I never was at her age. She loves life. She says what she feels. She is confident, polite, thoughtful and gracious. She is an amazing young lady and I am in awe of her light.

3. I always wanted to perform comedy and write for a living. And now, I am doing just that. When you do something you truly love, you become your true self. This is me, being present in my own life, for once. I love it.

4. I am blessed with a great support system. I have the BEST friends and family that anyone could ever ask for. They are talented, creative, forgiving, loving and true.

So thank you for sharing my burden. I am so lucky and grateful to all of you who have emailed me, commented and listened to me try to figure out why I am hiding in this big-girl shell. There’s a pearl in here somewhere….I believe that. Hopefully I’ll find it soon and then we can all celebrate with pearl necklaces….DOH!