Headcase

My funk has not lifted. In fact, it’s in full force, engulfing me with severe PMS symptoms, cravings, anxiety, mood swings and spontaneous crying. On Friday, it interrupted me during a show, on stage, performing for 100 paying customers, this little voice saying “you’re not funny”— which is weird because I totally am.

Monday, while home alone for a few sacred hours, it paralyzed me with tears and insecurity until I called my sister for help. She stayed until my husband got home.

I am convinced that the birth control I am taking has suffocated my happiness at a time when I should be soaring, looking forward to my future, exploring comedy stages in other cities, increasing my run times and planning our much deserved trip to Hawaii.

I haven’t been on the Pill in over 16 years. There is a reason for this. First, when I was younger, it messed with my head (shocking). So why would I try again? Well it’s simple. I want to know why we haven’t been able to conceive a baby in the past 10 years. The Pill was the first step in “resetting” my cycle. It’s not that I long for another child every day, but sometimes I do, and I want to know why I don’t have the choice. Although we would welcome any unexpected pregnancy, we have just kind of assumed a “secondary infertility” life. This life can be lonely at times and the insurmountable guilt I feel for wanting one more of what I already have can be haunting.

This damn Pill, I’m convinced, has sucked every ability for me to be positive and has single handily thrown my optimism about life, love and babies into a vat of despair.

So, I’m going off the Pill. And I hope this is the cause of the funk that I have been in. It very possibly could be just part of my weight loss journey though, and if that's the case, then I completely understand why people gain their weight back after shows like The Biggest Loser or why, after enduring the pain of gastric bypass, some gain all the weight back and then some.

There is a reason why people are overweight, and if we don't get our head right, then how can the cycle end?

Hopefully it's just the Pill and once it leaves my system, I will resume my workouts, comedy, keeping in touch with family and friends and writing an uplifting blog again soon. For now, I gotta work on my head.

Oh, and now that I’ve let you in on our infertility issues, I advise you to please read this article. Education is key. Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s just a fact of life. And if this is my biggest problem in life, well then compared to people living in a third world country, family members riddled with disease, losing the love of your life, not being able to conceive ever or spontaneously combusting--I have a pretty good life.