Impossible or I’m Possible?

My last session with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, M, ended last week. I had my dental work done and can’t afford to retain her services for at least the next two months, so I am officially on my own. I have 12 strength building workout routines written down, and a bottle of water.

I feel sad.

I am nervous and my ego is telling me that I will fail. To make it more interesting, my wonderful husband has decided that he wants to go to Hawaii NEXT MONTH. It’s cheaper, it’s beautiful and we need a break. We deserve a break. BUT, I want to be fit on the beach, and I am far from that. So, we will see.

In an effort to silence the voices in my head, I went shopping over the weekend and I was saddened to see that I couldn’t find very many things. I am in between sizes right now, and I found out that shopping gives me anxiety. Like, “YAY—these fit, but I should get them bigger in case I gain my weight, right?” I did find several pairs of pants at Old Navy (size 16….which is like a 12 at Lane Bryant—haha.) But, Old Navy has weird pants…they are comfy, but not really work appropriate. I feel like a modern hippie….which is totally me on the weekends, but I can’t wear linen drawstring pants and Smocked Crinkle-Gauze Tops at work…so, why bother? I’d rather save the money and wear my baggy clothes until I am a firm 14. Good goal to write down.

Here is the problem—something in my body is “off.” I am tired all the time, I am craving sweets, I am on the pill, but pretty much skipped my period and my digestion is way off which I have to monitor closely because I have Diverticular Disease (don't google it--you'll be sorry). Before you ask me if I am prego—I am not. In fact, I am pretty sure we can’t have any more children. So, maybe I am in a funk, or maybe I am sabotaging my workouts/progress. All I know for sure is that I have been having crazy dreams and body changes for two weeks now, for no apparent reason. So, I am going to the doctor to figure that shit out in June. And until then, I refuse to get fill my prescription for that cholesterol medicine.

Could this be a little depression? I don’t know. But until I do, I will try my hardest to tread the waters of life, reason with my anxiety and sweat at the gym. It’s all I can do until this “fog” has lifted. (Wow--how EMO do I sound...this is so NOT me!)

Oh, and listening to Band of Horses while I write this doesn’t help.