I feel great. I got my first pair of running shoes, and they feel like an extension of my feet. I run, I listen to music, I sweat and it all hurts. But about an hour later, I am full of this impalpable energy.
I have achieved monumental successes this week and as I look back, I am pretty proud:
• I ran 4.5 miles this week on the treadmill.
• I weighed in at 215 pounds - down 7 lbs from my last weigh in that I didn’t discuss. : )
• I bought 2 bathing suits; both are 2 sizes smaller than last year. They are super cute and flattering and have completely changed my mind about the bathing suit skirts. They really do hide just enough!
• I got the flu and bounced back within 24 hours. I have a feeling that this was definately due to my new, healthy lifestyle.
• I kicked my caffeine habit. Albeit, I may pick that one back up again, I really, truly miss the feeling of my morning coffee spreading through my veins.
• I wore a blouse, and then a pair of jeans that have sat in my closet for the past 2-3 years….waiting for me to cut the tags off. Well, this was the week!
I am ecstatic and encouraged by these milestones. I want to thank my running partner, Crystal, for helping me thug through and for showing up to run even when she didn’t want to. We are SO going to run this 5k! Who wants to join us?
I know that in order to stay focused and achieve success, I need to continue to set small goals. So, here they are:
August 1:
Target: 199 lbs. That is a 16 lb. loss in 5 weeks. Look, I am a realist. I know it’s going to be hard, but I think I can do it. Lean proteins, veggies, cut the sugar and continue my running and weight lifting program and I really think I can do it.
Reward: Run a 5k on August 28 and celbrate my daughter's 11th birthday. This year, I won't hide behind the camera.
September 29
Target: 189 lbs.
Reward: Wear a hot outfit to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary. Rawr!
November 19:
Target: 170 lbs. It’s not where I thought I would be by now, but it will be very close.
Ultimate Reward: Relax, swim and sunbathe in Maui. Wear another, smaller swim suit. Enjoy my time by running on the beach, hiking Haleakalā, snorkeling at Molokini Crater and Coral Gardens without being short winded or being eaten by a shark. Take photos on the beach for Christmas….
This last reward is the reason I started this journey. I can't believe it's almost here. I am totally prepared for reality to serve me a big ole’ cup of “Uhm, yeah, right” but my heart thinks that I can do this. And reading that book had been my saving grace.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Women, Food and OH MY GAWD!
Is it just me, or is the Universe shifting for everyone? I’m in a crazy-insane-omfg space and it is one in which I have the clarity of an old Buddhist monk.
For the past five months, I have written this blog. It’s my “journey” where I am showing you a side of me that many of my good friends don’t even see. And, it’s public. It’s my diary, my vulnerable self.
I had expectations that this blog, coupled with working out on a consistent basis would be enough. I thought that once I saw a few pounds gone, my brain would catch up and I'd cruise into a size 10. Once I was “thin” then I would be ok. Perhaps my occasional bouts with depression and self-loathing would disappear once I reached my new size. Well friends, the opposite has happened—but that is a good thing.
On one of my blogs, I told you all that I was going to buy and read Women, Food and God. After a few weeks went by (four to be exact), I found out through phone calls, emails and texts that a few of you actually bought the book and were reading it. For some reason, most likely attributed to The Pill, I was paralyzed with the fear of picking up this book—but now that I have it—I know why I was scared.
The book, Women, Food and God was written about me. Somehow, without meeting me, author Geneen Roth, climbed into my brain, took a bunch of pictures and notes and then jumped onto Oprah’s stage to debut her new book. Well, I want my kick-backs!
This book is cathartic to me. Finally, someone understands me (well, duh! I mean, she was in my brain). I am on page 40, and so far, here are my AHA! moments:
Page 9.
The whole page. This isn’t about my mom, but everyone. I always felt, and sometimes still feel that my big personality and energy is too much. Comedy has been a perfect outlet for me, but being a child with this big ole energy bubble really got on people’s nerves. No one cared about the eight year old who interrupted adult conversations to do her best impression of Steve Martin. (Now, people pay me for it…mu ha ha ha…)
Page 10.
“The group (sic) can relate to the belief that if they keep themselves wounded and damaged, they will be loved.”
Me: WHOA. I relate to this because it’s how I once was. I celebrate the fact that I am not that drama queen anymore. My husband and friends love and accept me for who I am today, not for the drama I use to bathe in. What I learned is that a spouse and friends can only hear your life story so many times. It doesn’t endear them to you—quite the opposite—you keep talking about your shit and you’re going to be labeled a complainer, a cry baby, a victim and no one will want to be around that. Believe me—I know! There is a time and a place to discuss your woes….and then you need to realize that you can’t change it, you’re an adult, and you need to move on and be the amazing person you were meant to be. Let’s move on.
Page 29.
“As long as you are striving and pushing and trying hard to do something that can never be done, you know who you are: someone with a weight problem who is working hard to be thin. You didn’t have to feel lost or helpless because you always have a goal and that goal can never be reached.”
Me: Gulp. Uh huh. Yep, this is how I have been feeling with this blog. I know myself well enough to know that I probably won’t follow through with this project because I never follow through with anything. I started this blog and weight loss goal to – for once in my life – follow through, be accountable and succeed. So far, I am on the right track, but reading this quote made me feel that at least I am not alone in this self depreciation pattern. And, I want to break it.
Page 37.
“Compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.”
Me: HEY-O! Ok, so I think this statement can be true with any addicts. Some use drugs, alcohol, shopping and I use eating. I am SO a compulsive eater. At one point, about five years ago, I believe that my soul was anorexic. At 260 pounds, it was easy to stuff memories, feelings, loneliness and even boredom way back down into my stomach with a piece of white cake with white frosting from Safeway. That $1.99 delight may have added 700 calories to my day, but it made those “bad thoughts” disappear.
I still struggle. If I was an alcoholic, I would have enough 30-day chips to make an outfit. BUT—one thing I can say for sure—I am on the right road. My gym membership, my attitude, my willingness to ask my doctor if I am crazy, my friendships, my boundaries, my blog—all of these things are directly in line with the message I am receiving from this book. It’s like someone is giving me a pat on the back…(oh, and while you’re there—feel my back—the whole thing! Look Ma—no more back fat! HOLLA!)
For once in my life, I don’t feel like I am being something or someone I am not. I am present. I have clarity. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This is a feeling that is better than good, it’s spiritual.
I told a dear friend of mine today that with the support system I have in place, I feel grounded, and with the strength I get from those close to me, I can move mountains. We are on the path to finding our authentic selves. This strength is what I call God—and THAT MESSAGE IS IN THIS BOOK TOO! HOLY SHIT this is Mind-Blowing.
I am so excited to continue to read. Stay tuned for next week. And if you’re following this—thank you. You are part of the reason I am on track.
I love you.
For the past five months, I have written this blog. It’s my “journey” where I am showing you a side of me that many of my good friends don’t even see. And, it’s public. It’s my diary, my vulnerable self.
I had expectations that this blog, coupled with working out on a consistent basis would be enough. I thought that once I saw a few pounds gone, my brain would catch up and I'd cruise into a size 10. Once I was “thin” then I would be ok. Perhaps my occasional bouts with depression and self-loathing would disappear once I reached my new size. Well friends, the opposite has happened—but that is a good thing.
On one of my blogs, I told you all that I was going to buy and read Women, Food and God. After a few weeks went by (four to be exact), I found out through phone calls, emails and texts that a few of you actually bought the book and were reading it. For some reason, most likely attributed to The Pill, I was paralyzed with the fear of picking up this book—but now that I have it—I know why I was scared.
This book is cathartic to me. Finally, someone understands me (well, duh! I mean, she was in my brain). I am on page 40, and so far, here are my AHA! moments:
Page 9.
The whole page. This isn’t about my mom, but everyone. I always felt, and sometimes still feel that my big personality and energy is too much. Comedy has been a perfect outlet for me, but being a child with this big ole energy bubble really got on people’s nerves. No one cared about the eight year old who interrupted adult conversations to do her best impression of Steve Martin. (Now, people pay me for it…mu ha ha ha…)
Page 10.
“The group (sic) can relate to the belief that if they keep themselves wounded and damaged, they will be loved.”
Me: WHOA. I relate to this because it’s how I once was. I celebrate the fact that I am not that drama queen anymore. My husband and friends love and accept me for who I am today, not for the drama I use to bathe in. What I learned is that a spouse and friends can only hear your life story so many times. It doesn’t endear them to you—quite the opposite—you keep talking about your shit and you’re going to be labeled a complainer, a cry baby, a victim and no one will want to be around that. Believe me—I know! There is a time and a place to discuss your woes….and then you need to realize that you can’t change it, you’re an adult, and you need to move on and be the amazing person you were meant to be. Let’s move on.
Page 29.
“As long as you are striving and pushing and trying hard to do something that can never be done, you know who you are: someone with a weight problem who is working hard to be thin. You didn’t have to feel lost or helpless because you always have a goal and that goal can never be reached.”
Me: Gulp. Uh huh. Yep, this is how I have been feeling with this blog. I know myself well enough to know that I probably won’t follow through with this project because I never follow through with anything. I started this blog and weight loss goal to – for once in my life – follow through, be accountable and succeed. So far, I am on the right track, but reading this quote made me feel that at least I am not alone in this self depreciation pattern. And, I want to break it.
Page 37.
“Compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.”
Me: HEY-O! Ok, so I think this statement can be true with any addicts. Some use drugs, alcohol, shopping and I use eating. I am SO a compulsive eater. At one point, about five years ago, I believe that my soul was anorexic. At 260 pounds, it was easy to stuff memories, feelings, loneliness and even boredom way back down into my stomach with a piece of white cake with white frosting from Safeway. That $1.99 delight may have added 700 calories to my day, but it made those “bad thoughts” disappear.
I still struggle. If I was an alcoholic, I would have enough 30-day chips to make an outfit. BUT—one thing I can say for sure—I am on the right road. My gym membership, my attitude, my willingness to ask my doctor if I am crazy, my friendships, my boundaries, my blog—all of these things are directly in line with the message I am receiving from this book. It’s like someone is giving me a pat on the back…(oh, and while you’re there—feel my back—the whole thing! Look Ma—no more back fat! HOLLA!)
For once in my life, I don’t feel like I am being something or someone I am not. I am present. I have clarity. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This is a feeling that is better than good, it’s spiritual.
I told a dear friend of mine today that with the support system I have in place, I feel grounded, and with the strength I get from those close to me, I can move mountains. We are on the path to finding our authentic selves. This strength is what I call God—and THAT MESSAGE IS IN THIS BOOK TOO! HOLY SHIT this is Mind-Blowing.
I am so excited to continue to read. Stay tuned for next week. And if you’re following this—thank you. You are part of the reason I am on track.
I love you.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
No Pill. No Problems.
It was the Pill.
I am AMAZED at the way it affected me. I thought I was going crazy. So now, I'm just back to my normal-crazy self.
I have a confession: I haven't bought the book Women, Food and God. But my friends are reading it and telling me that it's really good. I do plan on buying it. I really can't tell you what my block is on this one, I just can't do it.
I am back at the gym. I missed a whole week. We were active with other things, but no good sweat sessions. The last two days have been GREAT workouts mixed with sore muscles and good nights of sleep.
My June 1 photo set to be taken around June 15th, when I haven't eaten ice cream and bread all week. Weight is down a pound and my smile, energy and cramps are back. I never thought I would say this, but "Hey Cramps--glad to have ya back old buddy."
I joined Twitter, so now I'm twatting...right? It's weird. I guess if you want to follow me, you can add me at @ComedianChick.
I don't have much more. Count down to Hawaii is about 5 1/2 months...wow!
I am AMAZED at the way it affected me. I thought I was going crazy. So now, I'm just back to my normal-crazy self.
I have a confession: I haven't bought the book Women, Food and God. But my friends are reading it and telling me that it's really good. I do plan on buying it. I really can't tell you what my block is on this one, I just can't do it.
I am back at the gym. I missed a whole week. We were active with other things, but no good sweat sessions. The last two days have been GREAT workouts mixed with sore muscles and good nights of sleep.
My June 1 photo set to be taken around June 15th, when I haven't eaten ice cream and bread all week. Weight is down a pound and my smile, energy and cramps are back. I never thought I would say this, but "Hey Cramps--glad to have ya back old buddy."
I joined Twitter, so now I'm twatting...right? It's weird. I guess if you want to follow me, you can add me at @ComedianChick.
I don't have much more. Count down to Hawaii is about 5 1/2 months...wow!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Headcase
My funk has not lifted. In fact, it’s in full force, engulfing me with severe PMS symptoms, cravings, anxiety, mood swings and spontaneous crying. On Friday, it interrupted me during a show, on stage, performing for 100 paying customers, this little voice saying “you’re not funny”— which is weird because I totally am.
Monday, while home alone for a few sacred hours, it paralyzed me with tears and insecurity until I called my sister for help. She stayed until my husband got home.
I am convinced that the birth control I am taking has suffocated my happiness at a time when I should be soaring, looking forward to my future, exploring comedy stages in other cities, increasing my run times and planning our much deserved trip to Hawaii.
I haven’t been on the Pill in over 16 years. There is a reason for this. First, when I was younger, it messed with my head (shocking). So why would I try again? Well it’s simple. I want to know why we haven’t been able to conceive a baby in the past 10 years. The Pill was the first step in “resetting” my cycle. It’s not that I long for another child every day, but sometimes I do, and I want to know why I don’t have the choice. Although we would welcome any unexpected pregnancy, we have just kind of assumed a “secondary infertility” life. This life can be lonely at times and the insurmountable guilt I feel for wanting one more of what I already have can be haunting.
This damn Pill, I’m convinced, has sucked every ability for me to be positive and has single handily thrown my optimism about life, love and babies into a vat of despair.
So, I’m going off the Pill. And I hope this is the cause of the funk that I have been in. It very possibly could be just part of my weight loss journey though, and if that's the case, then I completely understand why people gain their weight back after shows like The Biggest Loser or why, after enduring the pain of gastric bypass, some gain all the weight back and then some.
There is a reason why people are overweight, and if we don't get our head right, then how can the cycle end?
Hopefully it's just the Pill and once it leaves my system, I will resume my workouts, comedy, keeping in touch with family and friends and writing an uplifting blog again soon. For now, I gotta work on my head.
Oh, and now that I’ve let you in on our infertility issues, I advise you to please read this article. Education is key. Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s just a fact of life. And if this is my biggest problem in life, well then compared to people living in a third world country, family members riddled with disease, losing the love of your life, not being able to conceive ever or spontaneously combusting--I have a pretty good life.
Monday, while home alone for a few sacred hours, it paralyzed me with tears and insecurity until I called my sister for help. She stayed until my husband got home.
I am convinced that the birth control I am taking has suffocated my happiness at a time when I should be soaring, looking forward to my future, exploring comedy stages in other cities, increasing my run times and planning our much deserved trip to Hawaii.
I haven’t been on the Pill in over 16 years. There is a reason for this. First, when I was younger, it messed with my head (shocking). So why would I try again? Well it’s simple. I want to know why we haven’t been able to conceive a baby in the past 10 years. The Pill was the first step in “resetting” my cycle. It’s not that I long for another child every day, but sometimes I do, and I want to know why I don’t have the choice. Although we would welcome any unexpected pregnancy, we have just kind of assumed a “secondary infertility” life. This life can be lonely at times and the insurmountable guilt I feel for wanting one more of what I already have can be haunting.
This damn Pill, I’m convinced, has sucked every ability for me to be positive and has single handily thrown my optimism about life, love and babies into a vat of despair.
So, I’m going off the Pill. And I hope this is the cause of the funk that I have been in. It very possibly could be just part of my weight loss journey though, and if that's the case, then I completely understand why people gain their weight back after shows like The Biggest Loser or why, after enduring the pain of gastric bypass, some gain all the weight back and then some.
There is a reason why people are overweight, and if we don't get our head right, then how can the cycle end?
Hopefully it's just the Pill and once it leaves my system, I will resume my workouts, comedy, keeping in touch with family and friends and writing an uplifting blog again soon. For now, I gotta work on my head.
Oh, and now that I’ve let you in on our infertility issues, I advise you to please read this article. Education is key. Don’t feel sorry for me, it’s just a fact of life. And if this is my biggest problem in life, well then compared to people living in a third world country, family members riddled with disease, losing the love of your life, not being able to conceive ever or spontaneously combusting--I have a pretty good life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)