Women, Food and OH MY GAWD!

Is it just me, or is the Universe shifting for everyone? I’m in a crazy-insane-omfg space and it is one in which I have the clarity of an old Buddhist monk.

For the past five months, I have written this blog. It’s my “journey” where I am showing you a side of me that many of my good friends don’t even see. And, it’s public. It’s my diary, my vulnerable self.

I had expectations that this blog, coupled with working out on a consistent basis would be enough. I thought that once I saw a few pounds gone, my brain would catch up and I'd cruise into a size 10. Once I was “thin” then I would be ok. Perhaps my occasional bouts with depression and self-loathing would disappear once I reached my new size. Well friends, the opposite has happened—but that is a good thing.

On one of my blogs, I told you all that I was going to buy and read Women, Food and God. After a few weeks went by (four to be exact), I found out through phone calls, emails and texts that a few of you actually bought the book and were reading it. For some reason, most likely attributed to The Pill, I was paralyzed with the fear of picking up this book—but now that I have it—I know why I was scared.

The book, Women, Food and God was written about me. Somehow, without meeting me, author Geneen Roth, climbed into my brain, took a bunch of pictures and notes and then jumped onto Oprah’s stage to debut her new book. Well, I want my kick-backs!

This book is cathartic to me. Finally, someone understands me (well, duh! I mean, she was in my brain). I am on page 40, and so far, here are my AHA! moments:

Page 9.

The whole page. This isn’t about my mom, but everyone. I always felt, and sometimes still feel that my big personality and energy is too much. Comedy has been a perfect outlet for me, but being a child with this big ole energy bubble really got on people’s nerves. No one cared about the eight year old who interrupted adult conversations to do her best impression of Steve Martin. (Now, people pay me for it…mu ha ha ha…)

Page 10.

“The group (sic) can relate to the belief that if they keep themselves wounded and damaged, they will be loved.”

Me: WHOA. I relate to this because it’s how I once was. I celebrate the fact that I am not that drama queen anymore. My husband and friends love and accept me for who I am today, not for the drama I use to bathe in. What I learned is that a spouse and friends can only hear your life story so many times. It doesn’t endear them to you—quite the opposite—you keep talking about your shit and you’re going to be labeled a complainer, a cry baby, a victim and no one will want to be around that. Believe me—I know! There is a time and a place to discuss your woes….and then you need to realize that you can’t change it, you’re an adult, and you need to move on and be the amazing person you were meant to be. Let’s move on.

Page 29.

“As long as you are striving and pushing and trying hard to do something that can never be done, you know who you are: someone with a weight problem who is working hard to be thin. You didn’t have to feel lost or helpless because you always have a goal and that goal can never be reached.”

Me: Gulp. Uh huh. Yep, this is how I have been feeling with this blog. I know myself well enough to know that I probably won’t follow through with this project because I never follow through with anything. I started this blog and weight loss goal to – for once in my life – follow through, be accountable and succeed. So far, I am on the right track, but reading this quote made me feel that at least I am not alone in this self depreciation pattern. And, I want to break it.

Page 37.

“Compulsive eating is basically a refusal to be fully alive. No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.”

Me: HEY-O! Ok, so I think this statement can be true with any addicts. Some use drugs, alcohol, shopping and I use eating. I am SO a compulsive eater. At one point, about five years ago, I believe that my soul was anorexic. At 260 pounds, it was easy to stuff memories, feelings, loneliness and even boredom way back down into my stomach with a piece of white cake with white frosting from Safeway. That $1.99 delight may have added 700 calories to my day, but it made those “bad thoughts” disappear.

I still struggle. If I was an alcoholic, I would have enough 30-day chips to make an outfit. BUT—one thing I can say for sure—I am on the right road. My gym membership, my attitude, my willingness to ask my doctor if I am crazy, my friendships, my boundaries, my blog—all of these things are directly in line with the message I am receiving from this book. It’s like someone is giving me a pat on the back…(oh, and while you’re there—feel my back—the whole thing! Look Ma—no more back fat! HOLLA!)

For once in my life, I don’t feel like I am being something or someone I am not. I am present. I have clarity. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This is a feeling that is better than good, it’s spiritual.

I told a dear friend of mine today that with the support system I have in place, I feel grounded, and with the strength I get from those close to me, I can move mountains. We are on the path to finding our authentic selves. This strength is what I call God—and THAT MESSAGE IS IN THIS BOOK TOO! HOLY SHIT this is Mind-Blowing.

I am so excited to continue to read. Stay tuned for next week. And if you’re following this—thank you. You are part of the reason I am on track.

I love you.