My last session with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, M, ended last week. I had my dental work done and can’t afford to retain her services for at least the next two months, so I am officially on my own. I have 12 strength building workout routines written down, and a bottle of water.
I feel sad.
I am nervous and my ego is telling me that I will fail. To make it more interesting, my wonderful husband has decided that he wants to go to Hawaii NEXT MONTH. It’s cheaper, it’s beautiful and we need a break. We deserve a break. BUT, I want to be fit on the beach, and I am far from that. So, we will see.
In an effort to silence the voices in my head, I went shopping over the weekend and I was saddened to see that I couldn’t find very many things. I am in between sizes right now, and I found out that shopping gives me anxiety. Like, “YAY—these fit, but I should get them bigger in case I gain my weight, right?” I did find several pairs of pants at Old Navy (size 16….which is like a 12 at Lane Bryant—haha.) But, Old Navy has weird pants…they are comfy, but not really work appropriate. I feel like a modern hippie….which is totally me on the weekends, but I can’t wear linen drawstring pants and Smocked Crinkle-Gauze Tops at work…so, why bother? I’d rather save the money and wear my baggy clothes until I am a firm 14. Good goal to write down.
Here is the problem—something in my body is “off.” I am tired all the time, I am craving sweets, I am on the pill, but pretty much skipped my period and my digestion is way off which I have to monitor closely because I have Diverticular Disease (don't google it--you'll be sorry). Before you ask me if I am prego—I am not. In fact, I am pretty sure we can’t have any more children. So, maybe I am in a funk, or maybe I am sabotaging my workouts/progress. All I know for sure is that I have been having crazy dreams and body changes for two weeks now, for no apparent reason. So, I am going to the doctor to figure that shit out in June. And until then, I refuse to get fill my prescription for that cholesterol medicine.
Could this be a little depression? I don’t know. But until I do, I will try my hardest to tread the waters of life, reason with my anxiety and sweat at the gym. It’s all I can do until this “fog” has lifted. (Wow--how EMO do I sound...this is so NOT me!)
Oh, and listening to Band of Horses while I write this doesn’t help.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
This Woman, High Cholesterol, Food and God
First, let me just say that I am so glad that I watched the Oprah episode that featured Geneen Roth, author of Women, Food and God. Watching this show unwittingly prepared me for my doctor's appointment today.
Today was my three month follow up with my doc to test my cholesterol. You can read about my first test here. So, here is how my hard work at the gym and my eating right--for the most part--hasn't paid off:
Cholesterol: 222 229 (should be under 200)
Triglycerides: 127 172 (should be under 150)
HDL (GOOD): 51 60 (should be over 50, above 60 is best)
LDL (BAD): 148 134 (Needs to be under 100)
The fact that I significatly raised my HDL and lowered my LDL is a good thing. However, the ultimate number is the three-digit one, and it went up. I will thank my father for this. It's looking as though I may have high cholesterol, which is hereditary on his side. While I am thanking his side of the family, I'd like to give a shot out to them for anxiety attacks, depression, migraines, colon cancer, diverticulitis, bad gall bladders, digestive disorders and bad knees too----ahhh, my family.
As of whenever I fill my prescription, I am going to be put on meds and seen in another three months.
Even though my family has a history of failing body parts, they also have a history of being some of the bravest, hardest-working, loving and funny people I have ever known and I wouldn't trade them for the world...unless it was Avatar, cuz that is soooo cool......
Anyways, it came as no surprise that the Oprah episode featuring the author of Women, Food and God magically appeared on my DVR last night. Visit the link and then come back and read on. I'll wait. Go ahead, I'll be right here........
That was pretty cool, huh? I am going to read this book and I am going to do the work. I am going to learn about myself because if I don't, I am going to continue to eat horribly just to fill that void. I have come too far, changed my life in too many ways to give up now. But I'll vulnerable here-- I am scared to death. Body aches and pains scare me. A tummy ache catapults my brain into thinking horrible thoughts about the colon cancer that I am sure exists. A headache makes me think of my cousin and how I too, will surely be having a stroke within 24 hours. This chest pain has me convinced that I am on the verge of a heart attack. And all I want to do is eat a big ole' tub of vanilla frosting because if I'm gonna go out--that is the way I wanna go.
I have one body and one mind and I am going to get the most out of them. So, I would like to invite you to join me. Read this book with me. Let's do the work. Let's cry together. Let's cope together. Let's end this battle once and for all. Who's in? I'm getting the book tomorrow. Are you? Let me know!
Today was my three month follow up with my doc to test my cholesterol. You can read about my first test here. So, here is how my hard work at the gym and my eating right--for the most part--hasn't paid off:
2/11/2010 5/11/2010
Cholesterol: 222 229 (should be under 200)
Triglycerides: 127 172 (should be under 150)
HDL (GOOD): 51 60 (should be over 50, above 60 is best)
LDL (BAD): 148 134 (Needs to be under 100)
The fact that I significatly raised my HDL and lowered my LDL is a good thing. However, the ultimate number is the three-digit one, and it went up. I will thank my father for this. It's looking as though I may have high cholesterol, which is hereditary on his side. While I am thanking his side of the family, I'd like to give a shot out to them for anxiety attacks, depression, migraines, colon cancer, diverticulitis, bad gall bladders, digestive disorders and bad knees too----ahhh, my family.
As of whenever I fill my prescription, I am going to be put on meds and seen in another three months.
Hey, it could be worse.
My little sis has battled high cholesterol for years (same dad), and she's a health nut. So, together, we will try to get this monster under control before it blocks our heart and kills us.
It totally could be worse.
Like the heart/chest pain that I have been having for the past three weeks and haven't said anything about....yeah...that's a whole nutha blog. It will most likely start in June after I see another doctor.
It could be worse.
Like being diagnosed with the "C" word.
It could be worse.
Like, passing away due to an unhealthy lifestyle that I could have prevented because
I didn't do the work to get my mind/body right.
Even though my family has a history of failing body parts, they also have a history of being some of the bravest, hardest-working, loving and funny people I have ever known and I wouldn't trade them for the world...unless it was Avatar, cuz that is soooo cool......
Anyways, it came as no surprise that the Oprah episode featuring the author of Women, Food and God magically appeared on my DVR last night. Visit the link and then come back and read on. I'll wait. Go ahead, I'll be right here........
That was pretty cool, huh? I am going to read this book and I am going to do the work. I am going to learn about myself because if I don't, I am going to continue to eat horribly just to fill that void. I have come too far, changed my life in too many ways to give up now. But I'll vulnerable here-- I am scared to death. Body aches and pains scare me. A tummy ache catapults my brain into thinking horrible thoughts about the colon cancer that I am sure exists. A headache makes me think of my cousin and how I too, will surely be having a stroke within 24 hours. This chest pain has me convinced that I am on the verge of a heart attack. And all I want to do is eat a big ole' tub of vanilla frosting because if I'm gonna go out--that is the way I wanna go.
But I won't.
I won't stop worrying.
But I WILL start working on the brain part--my racing thoughts/anxiety.
I won't eat frosting.
Because I have worked TOO hard to send myself into that depression.
I won't stop working out.
I like how I feel and I like the way my body moves now.
(Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but secretly, I want to run a 5k with Erika in the fall.)
I have one body and one mind and I am going to get the most out of them. So, I would like to invite you to join me. Read this book with me. Let's do the work. Let's cry together. Let's cope together. Let's end this battle once and for all. Who's in? I'm getting the book tomorrow. Are you? Let me know!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Bite Me
So, should I discuss the good news or the bad news first?
Good News:
I have been looking forward to the Body Fit Challenge at my gym. It's a 12 week group training and nutrition plan. I have saved up the $229 fee and was looking forward to entering the challenge today and beginning the program next week. This grueling program includes daily meal plans--which seem to be my biggest obstacle--and two, one-hour sessions with my trainer, per week. Oh, and the 'biggest loser' gets $500. I was SO excited.
Bad News:
I got a tooth ache yesterday. More like a tooth smell. I have bad teeth, "hereditary deep grooves" to be exact. No one knew this growing up, and my mom took us every six months to have our teeth cleaned. Other than taking the liberty to pop a zit on my nose once, our dentist was pretty normal. (No, I am NOT joking, and it was a blackhead that looked big to him because he was wearing weird magnifying glasses...and it hurt). But, he was old-school, and I don't think that he knew that sealing our teeth as children would have prevented the ultimate thousands of dollars in dental bills that I will be enduring. Oh yeah, Thousands.
Of course, I knew my teeth were acting up. I have had two root canals and I have four crowns that were put on wrong--they are too big--over ten years ago. One crown started leaking this week--GROSS. So, I went to my dentist. He reminded me that it had been two years since I last saw him. Yeah, I am THAT patient. The one who only goes to the dentist when there is a problem. I loathe going to the dentist. Gee, I can't imagine why....
Long-story-short:
After the initial exam and x-rays, I have about $8,000 worth of work that needs to be done. Yeah--Four procedures at $2000 each = $8,000 -- and NO GRILLS to show off.
PRO:
Thank Goodness for insurance and a dentist I trust! (Sure, I could probably find a cheaper dentist, but I trust this one. My kid loves him. Yes, 10-yrs old and she LOVES going to the mutha-effing DENTIST people--He is a good man.)
CON:
Dental insurance sucks--and mine only covers $1500 PER YEAR. So, I either take my chances and get one procedure per year for the next four years--and hope nothing major goes wrong. OR, I come up with $7500 this year. I think you see where I'm headed.
SO:
The first $500 is due next Thursday when I will sit in the big chair and wait for him to replace one crown and a filling and deep clean the surrounding gums. I have $229 and will have the rest by then, but seriously....I'm a little sad.
SETBACK:
Needless to say, I can't sign up for the Body Fit Challenge THIS TIME.
Staying Positive!
I was a little upset after my appointment. My German-as-a-first-language trainer was so excited to see me. We have been training for this and she had the paperwork all ready. I had to flake. And, I am not ok with being a flake. So, I was bummed, ran 2 miles in 30 minutes (holllla!) and then we discussed plan B.
I have learned SO much from my trainer, M. She understands my predicament and I am grateful for that. I have 12 weeks worth of strength training exercises and after *cough, cough* years of Weight Watchers, I KNOW how to eat right. This is just a test. It's my own challenge until I can afford to sign up for the next one. And I will. And seriously, if THIS is the only thing going "wrong" in my life right now, well then I am pretty lucky.
I didn't realize the clarity that comes with getting in shape. I actually have coping skills that I know I didn't have five years ago...This is my new life and I love it.
Although I was a little down and out today, my decision to move forward and stay focused was reinforced tonight as I picked up my daughter from the kids' gym. We walked through the doors into the main gym and she stopped and inhaled deeply. Then she looked at me and said "Mommy, I love the smell of the gym!" Me too kiddo, me too.
Good News:
I have been looking forward to the Body Fit Challenge at my gym. It's a 12 week group training and nutrition plan. I have saved up the $229 fee and was looking forward to entering the challenge today and beginning the program next week. This grueling program includes daily meal plans--which seem to be my biggest obstacle--and two, one-hour sessions with my trainer, per week. Oh, and the 'biggest loser' gets $500. I was SO excited.
Bad News:
I got a tooth ache yesterday. More like a tooth smell. I have bad teeth, "hereditary deep grooves" to be exact. No one knew this growing up, and my mom took us every six months to have our teeth cleaned. Other than taking the liberty to pop a zit on my nose once, our dentist was pretty normal. (No, I am NOT joking, and it was a blackhead that looked big to him because he was wearing weird magnifying glasses...and it hurt). But, he was old-school, and I don't think that he knew that sealing our teeth as children would have prevented the ultimate thousands of dollars in dental bills that I will be enduring. Oh yeah, Thousands.
Of course, I knew my teeth were acting up. I have had two root canals and I have four crowns that were put on wrong--they are too big--over ten years ago. One crown started leaking this week--GROSS. So, I went to my dentist. He reminded me that it had been two years since I last saw him. Yeah, I am THAT patient. The one who only goes to the dentist when there is a problem. I loathe going to the dentist. Gee, I can't imagine why....
Long-story-short:
After the initial exam and x-rays, I have about $8,000 worth of work that needs to be done. Yeah--Four procedures at $2000 each = $8,000 -- and NO GRILLS to show off. PRO:
Thank Goodness for insurance and a dentist I trust! (Sure, I could probably find a cheaper dentist, but I trust this one. My kid loves him. Yes, 10-yrs old and she LOVES going to the mutha-effing DENTIST people--He is a good man.)
CON:
Dental insurance sucks--and mine only covers $1500 PER YEAR. So, I either take my chances and get one procedure per year for the next four years--and hope nothing major goes wrong. OR, I come up with $7500 this year. I think you see where I'm headed.
SO:
The first $500 is due next Thursday when I will sit in the big chair and wait for him to replace one crown and a filling and deep clean the surrounding gums. I have $229 and will have the rest by then, but seriously....I'm a little sad.
SETBACK:
Needless to say, I can't sign up for the Body Fit Challenge THIS TIME.
Staying Positive!
I was a little upset after my appointment. My German-as-a-first-language trainer was so excited to see me. We have been training for this and she had the paperwork all ready. I had to flake. And, I am not ok with being a flake. So, I was bummed, ran 2 miles in 30 minutes (holllla!) and then we discussed plan B.
I have learned SO much from my trainer, M. She understands my predicament and I am grateful for that. I have 12 weeks worth of strength training exercises and after *cough, cough* years of Weight Watchers, I KNOW how to eat right. This is just a test. It's my own challenge until I can afford to sign up for the next one. And I will. And seriously, if THIS is the only thing going "wrong" in my life right now, well then I am pretty lucky.
I didn't realize the clarity that comes with getting in shape. I actually have coping skills that I know I didn't have five years ago...This is my new life and I love it.
Although I was a little down and out today, my decision to move forward and stay focused was reinforced tonight as I picked up my daughter from the kids' gym. We walked through the doors into the main gym and she stopped and inhaled deeply. Then she looked at me and said "Mommy, I love the smell of the gym!" Me too kiddo, me too.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
"Have You Lost Weight?" Uhm, YES!!!
Big YAY ME moments this week!
1. I got into my outfit for these "during" photos and realized that my shirt is too big-- YAY!
So, I have changed tank tops, and that is going to show you all the rolls and wrinkles and hopefully keep me motivated because there is a new t-shirt that I have that I can't wait to show you! (Thanks to Val!)
2. THREE PEOPLE asked me if I have lost weight--and I didn't get a hair cut or color this week, so I know they were sincere!! (it's about effing time-lol)
I am still at 216, but feeling better than ever. My boobs and feet are shrinking and although I think that is hilarious, a certain someone in my life is starting to get a sad face.
I am still not ready to buy new clothes yet....
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