Avoiding the Void

 
So, I met with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer last Wednesday. You can read all about it here. She left me, once again, with a list of lonely exercises that I must do on my own, on that big, scary gym floor. Thursday, I didn’t go. Friday, my friends were in town, I didn’t go. And Saturday, I woke up in a bad mood. Like, a really bad mood. I was pissed at the world. I made my coffee, I tried to avoid my family, and I just wanted to curl in a ball and cry…oh, and eat.

After my coffee, it was about 9:30 am and I had already eaten breakfast, so I wasn’t really hungry….but I found myself wandering into the kitchen. I was looking for nothing and anything—sweet. But, I didn’t find it…instead, I did something I never thought I would ever do...I went into my room, put on my gym clothes and I headed out to the gym.

I didn’t really “want” to go. I wanted frosting. I wanted a Twix bar, or pancakes. I wanted to be emotional. I wanted to cry. I was spiraling for no reason other than a little PMS.

I got to the gym and hopped on the elliptical machine. I set the course for 30 minutes, thinking I would get in a mile and a half…..but anger is a weird thing. I pushed myself to hit almost 3 miles. That’s a mile every 10 minutes. I was BLOWN AWAY, I was sweating, and I was smiling. It gave me the boost I needed in order to do the exercises that my trainer had given me earlier….alone…on the big, scary gym floor—where I didn’t even have a chance to feel insecure. That was a great feeling. My momentum distracted me to the point where I didn’t even notice the 10 lb weight on the back of the crunch machine.

My workout was hard. It was tough. I was a sweaty mess and I was overwhelmed with emotions. I finished my workout and went to my car. I looked at myself in the mirror and teared up. I did it. And it’s not just the workout that I did. I found a way to fill that void. That void that usually goes away, temporarily, after I eat. I can fill that “feeling” with exercise. Like WHOA. Talk about an AHA moment…….

I am super-duper stoked. And as I shared my story with my German-as-a-first-language personal trainer, she smiled and said “that’s great, now we can put an extra 10 lbs on the crunch machine! Cool.”

Did I mention she is perfect for me?