99 Days Left!

WHERE has the time gone?

I am officially 6 ½ months pregnant. I have truly been enjoying all the little miracles that this pregnancy has brought me; however, I have kept them to myself as to not “showboat.”

I feel that so many people these days take their pregnancy—the blessing and curses of—and blast too many details online. I get it—most people are excited, many are pregnant for their first time…it’s just not what I want or choose to do. Unlike my usual self, I have turned inward this time around. I have nothing negative to say and even if I did, why blast that out there for everyone to see?

This is the pregnancy I never thought would happen. It’s my time, and I am trying to soak in every pound gained, every kick to the bladder, each tear of joy, every night of restless sleep and the overwhelming anticipation of what he looks like and who he will be.

Even though I am coasting along smoothly and feeling great, my prior infertility issues still haunt me. And even though, every week, I get a little more excited, until he is in my arms, I simply can’t believe this is happening.

This has been a miraculous journey for us, albeit somewhat shocking. After so many years wondering why we couldn’t have another baby, I still tend to forget that I am with child. Sometimes I find myself working or doing chores and then he kicks me and it’s then I am reminded that yes—there is a baby in there and he is healthy and flourishing.

It’s been so many years since the last time I carried a baby, it feels like the first time being pregnant. With Daisy, I was 24 years old, Rich and I had been dating for only a year, and we were the first of our group of friends to conceive. The only life-stress I really had was the fact that I was the permanent designated-driver. I complained a lot. My scoliosis acted up early on. I wasn’t working out, I didn’t feel strong. I was immature and I made foolish decisions while pregnant with my daughter—like starting a fist fight when I was six-months along—Yeah, I did that. I hated not being able to go dancing or drinking. I felt left out a lot. Even though I was excited and looking forward to starting a family, I simply was not in tune with my body or with the miracle I had been given as I am with this one. Luckily, she came out perfectly healthy and happy and has been a blessing for the past 11 ½ years. We can’t imagine our lives without her.

This little guy has endured a more mature mommy. This mommy is in tune with herself, fairly in shape due to hard work last year and fully secure in her nearly 14-year relationship and in her decisions.

But this mommy has had some real-life curveballs thrown at her early on in the pregnancy and managing real-world, adult stress has been a little overwhelming.

In January, our 10-yr old lab was diagnosed with cancer and given weeks to live. He lived for 5 months and passed away a little more than a month ago. The void in our lives is inconceivable and we are still mourning him. We haven’t even been able to move his bed or food dish.

In March, my dad was admitted to the hospital and nearly died. The night he was admitted, I hemorrhaged. I was only 12 weeks along then, and needless to say I freaked-the-fuck-out. Waking up in a pool of blood is not a good sign. But after a long night in the ER, a terribly inexperienced doctor and a 3 a.m. ultrasound with a very alert and dancing baby image, we were sent home and told that one of two things would happen: either everything is ok, or I would lose the baby. All I could do was relax and wait. That was the longest, darkest weekend of our lives so far. Luckily, we made it through and Ryan is thriving. My dad was released 2 months later and continues to get better.

We have also experienced other stresses, but like Mark Twain, I refuse to release those stories until about 100 years after my death.

Hemorrhaging taught me a LOT about pregnancy. Did you know that 30% of women experience this early on? Did you know that once I started talking about it—EVERY SINGLE WOMAN knew another woman who had this exact same thing happen to them? I was also relieved to know that some of my best friends went through this as well, and came out fine… so once again, my family and my girlfriends helped me through like always. I love my support system.

After being out of the woods, my little guy started moving—a lot. I felt him move at about 14 weeks and he hasn’t stopped since then. And now, he has a little schedule that includes the most active times from 9 a.m.-10 a.m. and 9 p.m.-10:30 p.m. every night. He has also made it extremely clear that he does not like my work chair or the way I lean in to see my computer screen. If I ever need reassurance that he is in there, I simply lean forward and I am quickly reminded that ‘No Mommy, I hate that position.’ As of last week, he has also decided that putting a small foot or hand up in my right ribcage area is fun. It’s not. Sometimes I can beat him to it by putting my hand there first, and he retreats downward—after a small battle. Over the weekend, I swear he bruised me. This has made my husband laugh. Through it all, I giggle because the life inside me is real.

I eat way better with this baby than I did with Daisy. She was my excuse to eat and then eat again. I gained a lot of weight with her, then lost some, then gained more. I have learned a lot about exercise and nutrition in the past couple years and this time, I choose to eat better. I am very proud of the fact that I have only gained 16.8 pounds in 6 months, and I am still wearing my own panties…well some of them. I am glad I kept my big-girl bras because I haven’t spent a dime on maternity undergarments yet. And so what if they are XL…I’m not in PLUS-SIZED anything yet and that is a NSV (non-scale victory) for me.

I play music for him, just as I did with Daisy. He seems to respond which makes me happy. Daisy always starts his playlist off with Justin Beiber—but when she isn’t looking, I change it to real music.

Daisy continues to ask questions and looks for assurance that we will still love her. We tell her that she will always be our favorite daughter, just as Ryan will be our favorite son.

Rich likes to rest his hand on my stomach on nights when he doesn’t have school. Last night, this baby kicked him twice...and hard. My husband's face lit up and his eyes were glassy. He simply said “I’m so happy.” And I know he is. We are.

Sometimes, we freak out a bit. Our children are 12 years apart. What the hell! But we have come to the conclusion that “this is our story.” That’s it. This is our legacy. It’s a funny story, and anyone who knows us, laughs along with us.

So, even though I am not blogging often, I’ll have you know that being pregnant this time is allowing me to enjoy each and every moment. I can’t believe that in about 3 months, he will be here. I can’t wait to see his face. I can’t wait to celebrate Christmas through a toddler’s eye again, and show him Maui and Disneyland and how magical life can be.

Until then, I am taking a break from blogging so that I can be present for each kick, roll and jab. And I am thanking a higher power that I am allowed to feel this again.