Daydreaming

This morning, I woke up from a very bad dream. The book states that I need to be “in the moment” and experience the feelings as they come—look at them—ask myself what they really are—and then move on..But I simply couldn’t. There are a lot of things that I am having anxiety about right now:

1. A major project I am working on in my spare time—of which I have none.

2. My daughter is starting yet another new school this year. I have mixed emotions about this. She struggles, and homeschooling may just be the right thing for a girl like her. But we don’t have the means (and by means, I mean patience) to do that which makes me feel guilty.

3. Our plans to go to Maui during the holidays were drastically moved up and now I am still overweight…and I will be in the photos…and that saddens me beyond belief.

4. I’m working through being deeply hurt by someone close to me.

5. My first 5k is August 28 and I can’t even run continuously for a mile yet.

So, a lot of shit is flowing. Last night, I ran so hard that I literally thought my heart would explode. And when I run, all of these thoughts get swirled up into my brain like a tsunami. They keep crashing into my brain and leave me with bits and pieces. When it comes to emotions—I’m a hoarder. I just pick them up and put them back on the shelf instead of throwing them out—(oooooh---that is my AHA! moment of the day.)

Anyways, although I slept well, I had a nightmare. It was one of those dreams that morph into your shadow and follows you all day--the remnants of this dream are all around me. And maybe that is exactly what happens.

One time, when Daisy was maybe five, she was asleep in our bed. I went to wake her up and she just smiled. She had her eyes closed and said “I’m still dreaming momma—can you see it?” I said “No...only you can see your dreams.” She reached her hand in the air, eyes still closed tightly and grabbed the air.. “Here mommy, can you see it now?” I didn’t lie to her. “No baby, I can’t see your dreams.” She then fluttered her eyes open, and was looking at the air above her head “There it goes! Bye-bye dream. Hi Mommy!” She then proceeded to tell me about her magical dream which included stars and glitter and unicorns…of course.

Today, I wish I could have done the same thing, but as adults, we don’t just leave our dreams behind. Maybe we are supposed to use them as tools to work through a problem or issue. But like most tools, they just sit around and collect dust until a major shift in the earth happens, and then it’s our time to decide what to do with the aftermath. I store them for later.

Thanks to this book, I have recognized this as a trigger. I had every intention of fighting the “obsession.” So I got up early. I showered and tried to wash off the damn dream. I got dressed, made my coffee and packed my workout clothes in my bag so that I could life weights at lunch. My intentions were good. I was going to deal with the pain of this dream with a good lunchtime workout. And then, I left the house, knowing that my bag was on my dresser and I proceeded to drive to McDonald’s.

What-The-Eff?

Even as I drove to work, I tried to remind myself that another person’s actions can’t possibly ruin the path I am on unless I let them. Just because someone wants to be a selfish asshole—it really has NOTHING to do with me—it’s their path, their mistake, their consequence. I really have nothing to do with the decisions they make. But, as I ordered my McDonalds breakfast, I almost started crying as I knew that I had succumbed to my obsessive thoughts. They won. Just like they have my entire life. THIS is emotional eating.

This is a major realization. As I talked myself out of sabotaging my work thus far, I did the opposite—made my problems disappear with the old comfort-food feeling of fullness. Although I feel worse now than I did three hours ago when I woke up. Did you hear that BRAIN? I feel like SHIT!

So why not kick myself while I’m down? I looked up Micky Deez’ nutritional value http://nutrition.mcdonalds.com/nutritionexchange/nutritionfacts.pdf -- and realized I had consumed a whopping 600 calories. That is going to ruin my entire day and digestion. Which is lame because I have a freaking digestive disease and eating the wrong foods—in this case, fake food laden with preservatives and sugar—could put me in the hospital.

Anyone who thinks food isn’t a drug is an idiot. Only the addiction to a powerful drug would have won today.

I think I am seeing my old patterns:

• I know that since I’m not going to be at goal weight for Hawaii—why even try now?

• If I can’t run a mile now, what makes me think I will be able to run it a month from now during the race?

• I know that I will most likely not cut this person from my life—although they totally deserve it—I will continue to give them more chances.

I suppose I am a little happy that even though I lost to the obsession today, I looked at it for what it was instead of bolting.

It’s 9:30 a.m. I realize that I can only take baby steps today. The rest of my day will be filled with better meal decisions. I will have a salad at lunch and an apple in the afternoon followed by a salad for dinner. I am working out today—lifting weights—which beats the hell out of binge eating frosting and cake, right? Right. Oh great…someone just brought in doughnuts—of course.

Did I eat one? Find out next week….