In the middle of a beautiful day, as my son napped, I mopped the floors because I'm an awesome wife (who mops like twice a month). The Katie show came on, and I could hear it in the background. I was about to turn it off, but something caught my attention. A grieving mother was the guest, and she was sharing her experience of finding her deceased 15-year-old. This resonated with me. My daughter is going to be 15 this year.
Unbeknownst to the mother, her daughter had gone to a party where she consumed alcohol. She passed out in a bedroom, and three boys went into the room, undressed her and wrote things all over her body with a sharpie. Then, they sexually assaulted her. All the while, photos were taken, and then shared via social media. The next day, she was harassed online and at school. She called her mom to be picked up early, but refused to tell her why.
She committed suicide two days later.
Her mother recounted the experience in detail and one thing stood out to me: When she asked her daughter what had happened, her daughter wouldn't talk.
A deep sense of panic set in. What if that was my daughter?
At this very moment, my daughter walked in the door from school. I grabbed a snack for her, and told her I had a show I wanted her to watch. I played the segment back for her. I could tell that this wasn't what she wanted to do, but as she ate her food, she listened and I prayed that she was absorbing both the nutrients to have a conversation with me, and the message behind this story that seems all too common these days.
At this very moment, my daughter walked in the door from school. I grabbed a snack for her, and told her I had a show I wanted her to watch. I played the segment back for her. I could tell that this wasn't what she wanted to do, but as she ate her food, she listened and I prayed that she was absorbing both the nutrients to have a conversation with me, and the message behind this story that seems all too common these days.
During a commercial, I asked one question. This is the conversation that ensued:
"Why do you think that girl didn't tell her mom what happened at school?"
-"Because we are teenagers. We don't want you to help us. We want to solve things on our own, we want to be like adults. Going to your mom and dad is Kindergarten."
"Kindergarten?"
-"Yeah, like, little kids go to their parents. We want to solve things on our own."
"Kindergarten?"
-"Yeah, like, little kids go to their parents. We want to solve things on our own."
"If something like this happened to you, would you tell me?"
-"Probably not."
"Why?"
-"Because I've seen you when you're mad and I've seen you when I've lied to you, and I wouldn't want to get in trouble. Plus, I'd be embarrassed that you'd probably have to tell dad."
"I understand. I want you to know something - when it comes to BIG things like drinking, drugs, sex, rape, I wouldn't get mad. I would always want you to tell me."
-"Yeah, right."
"Hey - Look at me. I will promise you today, that if these subjects ever become part of your life, or your friends' lives, I will listen to you."
-"K."
"Hey, I think we need to have an understanding that when big things happen - like this - there needs to be a safe place that's free from judgement and punishment. That place has always been my room, and it will continue to be."
-"Yeah, right."
"Hey - Look at me. I will promise you today, that if these subjects ever become part of your life, or your friends' lives, I will listen to you."
-"K."
"Hey, I think we need to have an understanding that when big things happen - like this - there needs to be a safe place that's free from judgement and punishment. That place has always been my room, and it will continue to be."
-"Yeah. I know."
"Do you really? I promise you, if something like this ever happens, I will not judge. We will handle it as a family. Killing yourself is not the answer."
-"You'd probably know about the pictures before me because you always check my stuff."
"I don't check as much as you think. I check it when you give me reason to. I just don't want you to ever think you can't talk to me or dad. We can always help you, even if it means moving out of state - there are ways to make sure your body, your head and heart is safe. We will do that."
-"K."
"You know how we have a safe-word for my cooking? Maybe we should have one for big shit that happens at school...how about 'ORCA', because that's a big whale of a story to tell, right...?"
-"HAHA, I could come home and say 'KILLER WHALE MOM!'"
And then we laughed.
This is the article that inspired the show and I encourage you to read it. Talk to your kids about this stuff. Encourage them to make the right decisions. Our daughters need to be protected, and our sons need to be the good guys, the heroes, not the aggressors.
I believe that there are few teaching moments that we, as parents, have in these teenage years. This was one of them. I tried to listen more than I spoke. As she started giving me one-letter answers, I knew my time was limited. I hope I got through to her. I hope she knows that she can always come to us.
I told her recently that the next four years will be the ones she talks about and remembers for the rest of her life. The Internet, social media, smartphones, are all things we thankfully didn't have to deal with when I was in school. I can only hope that she makes the right decisions and continues these conversations with me. My goal is for her to enjoy every moment, and be free from scandal, shame and suicide.
While intuitively, I think I'm doing fine, deep down, I don't know what I'm doing. I tell her this often.
I just try to keep a dialogue of sex and social media an ongoing discussion. She knows this, and even when she gets irritated with it, I won't stop.
Most importantly, I'll try to lead a good example. But I mess up, like the time I puked on her because I was hammered...yeah...it happened. And she remembers it too. Maybe that was a good example of how being inebriated can lead you to make horrible decisions. We laugh about it now, but the message is clear - mom can't drink wine, or she gets the flu.
"You know how we have a safe-word for my cooking? Maybe we should have one for big shit that happens at school...how about 'ORCA', because that's a big whale of a story to tell, right...?"
-"HAHA, I could come home and say 'KILLER WHALE MOM!'"
And then we laughed.
This is the article that inspired the show and I encourage you to read it. Talk to your kids about this stuff. Encourage them to make the right decisions. Our daughters need to be protected, and our sons need to be the good guys, the heroes, not the aggressors.
I believe that there are few teaching moments that we, as parents, have in these teenage years. This was one of them. I tried to listen more than I spoke. As she started giving me one-letter answers, I knew my time was limited. I hope I got through to her. I hope she knows that she can always come to us.
I told her recently that the next four years will be the ones she talks about and remembers for the rest of her life. The Internet, social media, smartphones, are all things we thankfully didn't have to deal with when I was in school. I can only hope that she makes the right decisions and continues these conversations with me. My goal is for her to enjoy every moment, and be free from scandal, shame and suicide.
While intuitively, I think I'm doing fine, deep down, I don't know what I'm doing. I tell her this often.
I just try to keep a dialogue of sex and social media an ongoing discussion. She knows this, and even when she gets irritated with it, I won't stop.
Most importantly, I'll try to lead a good example. But I mess up, like the time I puked on her because I was hammered...yeah...it happened. And she remembers it too. Maybe that was a good example of how being inebriated can lead you to make horrible decisions. We laugh about it now, but the message is clear - mom can't drink wine, or she gets the flu.
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