Independence Daze

My new favorite book is pissing me off. Not because it’s boring or lame or didn’t take the garbage out when I asked (which means NOWWW)—but because it’s working. It’s a complete mind-eff word. When I get anxious and I begin to take the long walk into the kitchen where any type of sweet cake, carb or cookie can shut my brain off within 30 seconds—I now stop. I focus. I ask myself—What am I feeling? What is this?

The book clearly states that whatever feeling is seeping into my thoughts must not only be addressed, but faced, visited, felt and then I need to realize that by visiting these memories or feelings, it’s not so bad after all.

The book says that when we eat, we are avoiding the potential pain that we anticipate feeling if we were ever to visit that memory and look it in the eye. The book states that if we practice this way of thinking, if we face the feeling or memory, we will begin to see that it’s just a memory. That’s all. It’s never going to hurt me, scare me or intimidate me again. I am an adult and you know what? It wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Stupid book…all making sense and stuff. Pfffftttt….

So yeah, it’s actually working—but not without consequences. Sometimes there is anger in the feeling. Sometimes there is sadness. Sometimes there are answers in those feelings or memories. But most of the time, I find out that I have given the source too much energy. This is where I am a little stuck because I need to let it go—out of my brain, and not into my tummy, onto my thights or create another double chin.

Last week, a good friend told me, a crisis is like a landmine. One moment, you’re walking around just fine, and then BOOM, out of nowhere—a song, a smell, a memory will bring you face to face with the feelings. These landmines are so easy to silence with food. However, this book tells me to face it. Look at it. Visit it. My brain tells me to eat it. Make nachos. Buy frosting. It’s easier to eat it.

Working through things can be a little bit of an emotional overhaul. But to not visit the memories means that I am not dealing with raw emotions—and why should I when there’s white cake with white frosting? Because to not visit these memories and reconcile them within my heart would be sabotaging my health. If I am unhealthy, I am not being my true self and therefore, I am not showing up for the ones I live with or live for. That is something I am not willing to do.

Perhaps my landmine is The fourth of July. This year will mark five years for us. Five years when both careers took a sharp turn. Five years where business divided friendships. Five years of catastrophic financial struggles. Five years of watching the man I love lose it all—including his career, his backbones, his brawn and then some.

And so, instead of eating, I choose to run.

Doing this work is not easy. It’s exhausting. These feelings, these memories need to be addressed so I can move on. As I look at these five years in the eye—I am really feeling it. It hurts. Still. And that is OK. It's life. We have our limbs, our health and a roof over our head. And, it's going continue to be ok because from it, we have evolved.

So this year, I want to remember the past five years for all the positive things we have experienced. It's been five years that I have been present for my life, my hubby and our child. Five years that I have reconnected with my cousins in Arizona (and seen them four times)! Five years where we have watched our daughter blossom into a beautiful young woman. Five years where we have found the best date nights are free. Five years of learning how to be vulnerable, live honestly, communicate often and love unconditionally. For these things, I am forever grateful.

I am paraphrasing, but the book says: It happened. You can’t change it. You’re an adult. Move on.

And this is me—trying to move onto the future instead of into obesity. So far, so good.

Have a happy 4th of July!